Fight to the Fjords and the Quarrel at Elronds

Frodo, being stabbed in the shoulder by a syringe filled with a vile, green substance, swoons and falls to the floor, conveniently missing the raging battle between Solid Snake and the Black Riders.

After Solid Snake drives off the Black Riders, Harry rushes up to Frodo and shakes him hard.

HARRY (frightened): "Mr. Frodo! Mr. Frodo! You can’t die yet! You haven’t told me where all the gold in Bag End is buried!"

Solid Snake comes in and pushes Harry aside as he inspects the syringe, which is melting even now.

SOLID SNAKE (in disgust): "This is a Morgul drug."

RON (curiously): "Morgul drug?"

SOLID SNAKE: "Why are you interested?"

RON (off-handedly): "Oh, for professional interest."

SOLID SNAKE (in a deep voice): "Behold, this is the drug known as the Generic Vile Harmful Substance, that whosever is injected with it will die, eventually."

RON: "It is so powerful?"

SOLID SNALE: "Without a doubt. It has killed numerous princes, kings, queens, mortals, immortals and even plumbers and hedgehogs."

HARRY: "Frodo is going to die and here you are still discussing about hedgehogs!"

SOLID SNAKE (looking at Frodo): "And Frodo is going to die next if we don’t hurry! This drug is beyond me. He needs Elvish medicine."

With that, Solid Snake scoops Frodo up and puts him on his back. Calling the rest, they hurriedly pack up and rush off to Rivendell.

ANAKIN: "But Rivendell is a week’s journey away from here! We will never make it!"

SOLID SNAKE: "Frodo…Frodo…hang on…there will be no continues!"

The pain is growing and Frodo’s mind is becoming numb. Out from Frodo’s mouth comes a cry of plea.

FRODO: "GANDALF…" (muttering) "You stupid old man! You started this trouble for me and now I am in big trouble and you are nowhere to be seen!"

* * *

The camera pans, sweeping towards the School of Magic and its now desolate surroundings. Gone are the vast green fields and the friendly-looking Dark Forest. They have all been dug up, filled with numerous pits, and with many Orcs, scurrying up and down, busy like ants, building many ugly stone houses. The cameraman now flies up along with his camera (maybe he is Superman after all), up to the top of the School, where Gandalf sits like a beggar, cold and lonely.

GANDALF (muttering to himself): "Hmmm…my left eye is twitching. Someone is cursing behind my back."

At this time, a lone butterfly flutters its way up to the top of the school, the last survivor of Dumbledore’s ruthless ecology damaging reforms that threatens even the Ozone layer of this fantasy world.

GANDALF: "Hmm…a butterfly."

BUTTERFLY (sadly): "A homeless butterfly."

GANDALF: "You can talk!"

BUTTERFLY: "So can you!"

GANDALF: "You’re not supposed to talk!"

BUTTERLY: "But I am, anyway."

Realizing that this is going to be a meaningless conversation if he is not careful, Gandalf goes on,

GANDALF: "I am in big trouble now."

BUTTERFLY: "Well, so am I."

GANDALF: "How about we aim for a win-win situation?"

BUTTERFLY: "Like?"

GANDALF: "We have to form an alliance."

BUTTERFLY: "Is there any contract to sign?"

GANDALF: "Look, butterfly, this is getting meaningless…"

BUTTERFLY: "Precisely…I know just that."

GANDALF: "SO CAN YOU PLEASE FLY OFF TO MY GREAT EAGLE FRIEND AND ASK HIM TO COME AND FETCH ME!"

BUTTERFLY: "Eagle? Aren’t they extinct yet?"

GANDALF: "More like a protected species."

BUTTERFLY: "Anyone filmed a documentary about them before?"

GANDALF: "LOOK~~ can you just get the Eagle…"

BUTERFLY: "Why should I?"

GANDALF (standing up, putting his arms squarely by his side and talking in a deep, thunderous voice): "DO NOT TAKE ME FOR A CONJUROR OF CHEAP TRICKS…"

The butterfly gives a tiny yelp of terror as it flutters off.

BUTTERFLY: "Don’t worry! Don’t worry! I am off to get your Eagle friend now!"

At this time, the cameraman decides to take a suicide plunge down, jumping off the rooftop of Hogwarts and using the principle of terminal velocity to glide. The surroundings zoom frantically in before the cameraman plunges into one of the newly excavated cavern. Inside is a massive structure of metal, wires, fire and lava.

DUMBLEDORE: "If Sauron has the Playstation, then I will have the X-Box!"

Dumbledore whistles a merry tune as he walks through his new stronghold, the X-Box, before he catches himself.

DUMBLEDORE: "No! I am a villain now! I must stop doing that sort of stuff…"

With that, Dumbledore snaps his finger and an electric guitar appears in the air beside him. It begins to jam the most hardcore gothic rock song as Dumbledore inspects his stronghold.

And from the distance, comes the breaking of glass.

CAMERAMAN (in the distance): "AAAAAARGHH!"

DUMBLEDORE: "What is that noise?"

ORCISH MANSERVANT: "The cameraman, my lord, is dead. He thinks it is fun to jump off a hundred-storey high building."

DUMBLEDORE (philosophically): "He should have died hereafter, there would have be a time for such a word. Tomorrow…tomorrow…tomorrow…"

Dumbledore checks his himself as he remembers that Shakespeare has been stepping up on copyright rights. He dismisses the incident from his mind and begins to look around.

There, built into the floor, are many square chambers of torture, with each chamber outfitted for a child built with thousands of wires. Inside the chamber are various monitors and each monitor shows scene of blood, of gore and of the crudest violence possible.

Each chamber is filled with a half-naked male student from Hogwarts. They are struggling with a multitude of wires plugged into them and with heavy chains. Then finally, one of the chamber bursts open and out step from it is a muscular, 2.5 metre tall student, his fiendish long hair flowing down his shoulders. He demonstrates his strength by throwing two Orcs way.

Dumbledore looks at the pride of his creation and decides to celebrate with a piece of candy. He pops it into his mouth, and promptly vomits.

DUMBLEDORE: "Marshmallows! It is the vomit flavor candy once more!"

* * *

The wind blows harshly and the grass rustles loudly.

GRASS: "Rustles loudly"

Under the watchful eyes of three statues of stone trolls, Frodo lies gasping for breath. Solid Snake takes one look at Frodo and makes up his mind.

SOLID SNAKE: "Do you know what enegerizer packs are?"

HARRY: "What?"

SOLID SNAKE (thinking of the common term for it): "Rations! Health Packs! First-Aid Box! Dot of Power! Whatever, find it!"

Leaving Ron and Anakin behind to fend for themselves, Harry and Solid Snake dashes into the thick undergrowth in search of rations. Finally, Solid Snake’s watchful eye spotted a cardbox box in the bushes. As he darts forward to grab it, a sleek Elvish blade is drawn across his neck. Solid Snake freezes.

FEMALE VOICE: "What’s this? A ranger, and yet surprised"

As the blade withdraws, Solid Snake stands up and see a lady dressed in black leather jackets and black, tight pants. Together they face the camera (AUDIENCE: "Oh no!") and they say together:

SOLID SNAKE & ARWEN: "Get the Ninja’s Stalking Shoes today, and even YOU, yes, YOU can surprise Solid Snake too! Call now and get the Ninja’s Stalking Socks free too!"

* * *

There is a sudden glow of white light, its radiance brightening the forest glade for a split second. To Frodo, it is as if a lady of light is coming, her brilliance sending the shadows flying away. But in reality it is the headlight of a sleek white motorbike, with the word ASLFOAH in cool Elvish painted on its side in Quenya.

ANAKIN: "Who is she?"

HARRY: "She is an Elf!"

Arwen vaults off the motorbike and examines Frodo. She looks at his wounds and shakes her head.

ARWEN: "We need to get him to my father quick."

SOLID SNAKE: "You stay with the boys. I’ll take Frodo to Rivendell."

ARWEN: "No, I shall go. I am the better rider. You might be good with tanks and helicopters, but I am the better bike rider."

She holds Solid Snake’s hand assuringly.

ARWEN: "I am not scared of their bad breath. I have an industrial strength facemask. I fear no chemical warfare."

SOLID SNAKE: "Go, ride well, and do not look back."

With that, Arwen slips onto the bike and puts Frodo in front of her. Glancing back and turning to look forward again, with determination in her eyes, she urges the bike to life.

ARWEN: "Noro lim! Noro lim!"

The bike zooms off into the forest.

ANAKIN: "Are you mad! That is no racer pod! She will never outrun the black riders!"

But Solid Snake just stands firm and resolute, knowing that his decision is right.

Arwen can feel the black riders catching up. She can smell their bad breath a distance away. And soon, the loud engines of the Nazgul’s motorbike can be heard, a vile noise pollution in the otherwise quiet countryside.

A choir speeding next to them on a truck is singing in cool vocals as the Nazguls seek to catch up with Arwen. Over time, the Nazguls finally catch up with Arwen, but Arwen with a cry of Noro Lim, Noro Lim steers her bike with even greater skill and gets out of the way of the riders.

Finally Arwen comes to the fjords of the Brandywine River. As she crosses the river, she executes a cool spin with her bike and faces the river defiantly.

The Nazguls finally catch up at the bank of the river. One of them says in an evil voice:

NAZGUL: "Hand over the halfing, she-elf."

ARWEN: "No way, He-man. If you want him (drawing her blade with a flourish), come and claim him!"

With that, the Black Riders draw their blades in harmony (a rather oxymoronic term to use on henchmen of evil)

Arwen stands calm and quiet, watching the every move of the Nazgul. Then finally, as the Nazgul are about 2 metres away from them, Arwen gives a blood-curdling yell as she jumps into the air. For a split second, time pauses and the camera swirls around her, showing her locked in a cool flying kick pose. Then suddenly, the action speeds up and Arwen deals a lethal kick to the face of each black rider, sending them flying back into the river. The black riders’ motorbikes zoom onward and crash into the trees beyond, exploding into flame and fire.

ARWEN: "Don’t mess around with the Elves, or else you will live to regret it! Or die to forget about it."

* * *

Frodo eventually wakes up. He finds himself resting on a soft, feathered bed, a pillow behind his head and he is covered with a soft white blanket. If he examined the mattress a little closer, he would realize that it is a King Coil mattress.

FRODO (muttering softly): "Where am I?"

GANDALF: "In the house of Elrond. And it is the twenty-second of October and nine o’clock in the morning, if you want to know."

FRODO (fully awake): "Gandalf!"

GANDALF: "Yes, yes, it’s me."

FRODO: "What happened? Where were you? Why didn’t you meet us?"

Gandalf takes a real apologetic look as he recalls memories that are so recent within his mind.

GANDALF: "I was delayed."

* * *

Dumbledore points his wand at Gandalf and sends Gandalf sprawling over to the edge of the roof.

DUMBLEDORE: "The friendship of Hogwarts is not easily rejected. You have chosen the path of death and destruction. Embrace the power of the Phone!"

A butterfly flutters past, followed by a gigantic eagle soaring behind. The eagle swoops past the tower. Gandalf stands up and glares at Dumbledore.

GANDALF: "There is only one Lord of the Phones, and He does not share his phone bills!"

With that, and with a yell, Gandalf jumps off the rooftop, leaving behind shimmering after images and spans a good couple of metres before landing on the back of giant eagle.

DUMBLEDORE: "So you have chosen death and destruction."

* * *

FRODO: "What is it, Gandalf?"

The flashback is over. Gandalf looks like a man disturbed.

GANDALF: "Nothing, nothing."

Harry suddenly runs into the room and he falls over Frodo, delighted to see him.

HARRY: "Frodo! Frodo! Bless you, you are all right!"

GANDALF: "Harry has barely left your side since we arrived, haven’t you, Harry. And oh yes, we have to remember the one who saved you…"

ELROND: "Welcome to Rivendell, Mr. Andersen."

FRODO: "I am Mr. Baggins, not Andersen."

ELROND (catching himself in time): "Oh, er, it is a bad habit of mine. Welcome to Rivendell Holiday Resort, Mr. Frodo. If you need room service, just ring the bell."

Turning to Gandalf, Elrond hisses into his ear.

ELROND: "The bill will be footed by you, as agreed."

* * *

A few days have passed and Frodo has finally recovered from his wounds. As he explores the various attractions at Rivendell Holiday Resort, he is reunited with his old friends. Frodo even has a small talk with Han Solo, who is stopping over at the Resort to refuel the Millennium Falcon.

A week passes at Rivendell.

One day Frodo finds Harry packing his bags as if for a journey.

FRODO: "Packed already, Harry?"

HARRY: "Yes, Mr. Frodo."

FRODO: "Didn’t you always want to go to Hogwarts?"

HARRY: "Well yes, this is where I am going! I am sad to leave you, Mr. Frodo, but I was given instructions to go the train platform 9 _ to take a train to Hogwarts. By the way, can I borrow your phone, Mr. Frodo? They demand each new student to bring a phone of power with them."

FRODO: "Nooo! It’s mine, my own…"

HARRY: "All right, all right, Mr. Frodo, I’ll leave your phone alone…"

Meanwhile spying on the two of them from above are Gandalf and Elrond.

ELROND: "To have carried the Phone of Power for a long time, the hobbit has shown remarkable resistance to the its powers."

GANDALF: "This is a burden that he should never have borne (but which I would have borne gladly, if you had asked me!). We cannot ask anymore of Frodo!"

ELROND: "But the Phone cannot stay here! And Dumbledore, you say, has betrayed us. And hence our list of allies grows ever shorter."

GANDALF: "His treachery is deeper than you think. He has crossed orcs and teenagers into a new breed of fighting force."

ELROND (in great horror): "His sights are set on Rivendell! We cannot fight both the Playstation and the X-Box at once! Rivendell is only a mere holiday resort! The phone cannot be consumed by the mere powers of the Elves. We must leave soon. Our people are migrating to greener pastures. Who then will you look to? The dwarves? They care about nothing, only about their own mines and the digging of their own noses!"

GANDALF (slowly and dramatically): "It is in men that we must place our trust."

A look of utter disgust crosses Elrond’s face.

ELROND "Men…are weak."

Strolling into a great hall, he goes on,

ELROND: "The genes of the Numenorans run thin. They are weak, divided, scattered and leaderless. It is men who allow this evil to remain. I was there, Gandalf, I was there, two thousands years ago. The Big Boss, Isildur took the Phone for himself!"

GANDALF: "There is one who can unite them."

ELROND: "But he has chosen exile. He has chosen to be a video game character."

* * *

BOROMOIR: "The gun that blew off Sauron’s hand!"

Boromoir, a tall, stocky and muscular human is examining a SI-COM with great interest, very well aware that Solid Snake is watching him. Boromoir suddenly notices that Solid Snake has taken great interest in Boromoir and with great disgust throw the gun onto the floor.

BOROMOIR: "Just an unloaded gun!"

With that, he exits the room in a huff. Solid Snake puts down the Metal Gear Solid Walkthrough that he is reading and places the gun back on the pedestal. All of a sudden, Arwen appears behind him…

ARWEN: "Why…"

Solid Snake gives a start.

SOLID SNAKE: "Ghost!"

ARWEN: "I am not a ghost!"

SOLID SNAKE: "Why…why do you wander around at night dressed in nothing but white and looking like a zombie! You even forgot your make-up!"

ARWEN: "Elves don’t need make-up!"

SOLID SNAKE: "Oh, I see."

ARWEN: "Why do you fear the past, Solid Snake? You are Isildur’s descendant, not Isildur himself"

SOLID SNAKE: "We are cloned from the same genes. The same weakness binds us all."

Romantic music begins to fill the air as Arwen draws Solid Snake closer.

ARWEN: "One thing, you will be tested too, and you shall pass the test. The shadows will not fall over you, or over me."

* * *

Solid Snake and Arwen heads off to the bridge to bond together. As they are muttering endearments into each other ears, they fail to see a figure mad with rage hiding behind a tree.

SOLID SNAKE: "No, you cannot do this…"

ARWEN: "I will exchange immortal life, to spend a lifetime with you. I give myself…"

STRANGE VOICE: "NOOO!"

Solid Snake at once falls to his killer-karate stance, his hand reaching for his Elvish combat knife.

SOLID SNAKE: "Danger! Danger!"

ARWEN: "What? GANDALF!? What are you doing here!?"

GANDALF: "You cannot do this, Arwen!"

SOLID SNAKE: "You stay out from my affairs, Gandalf!"

ARWEN: "I give my love to whom I choose, Gandalf!"

GANDALF: "You cannot, Arwen…you cannot!"

ARWEN: "Why?"

GANDALF: "Because…because…I…"

ARWEN (shaking her head): "No! No! No…are you telling me that you are…"

SOLID SNAKE: "What is going on here! What’s wrong?"

Arwen gives a cry of dismay as she runs back, sobbing and crying. Solid Snake glares at Gandalf.

SOLID SNAKE: "If you are a killable character, you are already dead!"

With that, Solid Snake stalks away, muttering angrily.

GANDALF: "Oh…marshmallows! Why I am not cast as a handsome young man, but a friendly old grandpa??"

* * *

The next day, as dawn approaches, dwarves, elves, men and one hobbit gather around in the meeting room for a council.

ELROND: "This riddle is for all Middle Earth to solve. Bring forth the One Phone, Frodo!"

Reluctantly, Frodo stands out and walks over to a pedestal where he places the One Phone.

VARIOUS CHARACTERS: "So it is true…"

ELROND: "This is the One Phone! It must be destroyed before the Dark Emperor Sauron gets his hands on it!"

GIMLI THE DWARF: "So what are we waiting for?"

With that said, Gimli produces a large sledgehammer and proceeds to bash the phone into tiny pieces, but instead, the phone bashes the sledgehammer into tiny pieces, throwing Gimli away.

ELROND: "The Phone cannot be destroyed by any craft or knowledge we here possess. It must be taken to Mount Doom and cast back into the fiery depths from whence it came. Who will be the one to do it?"

Suddenly, a voice comes from behind.

HARRY POTTER: "I am the One!"

As Harry Potter comes in, he parts his hair and shows off the lighting bolt scar on his forehead. Immediately, winds begin to blow and thunder is heard.

ANAKIN: "NO! I am the One!"

Anakin rushes in and glares at the Phone and it begins to levitate. Everyone gasps.

FEMALE’S VOICE: "You get it all wrong! I am the one!"

A lady dressed in pink, carrying a staff in one hand and a basket of flowers in other stands up. Her eyes are big circles and her eyeballs are blue and her eyelashes are pronounced.

AERIS: "I am the Chosen One!"

Suddenly, there is a beam of light and Jet Li appears in his cool kung-fu stance

JET LI: "NO! I am the One!"

ANAKIN: "No! I AM!"

HARRY POTTER: "I AM THE ONE!"

SQUALL LEONHART: "I AM!"

AERIS: "I AM TOO!"

JET LI: "I AM THE ONE!"

SPIDERMAN: "I AM THE ONE TOO!"

SUPERMAN: "NO, I AM THE ONE TOO!"

CLOUD STRIFE: "I AM ONE OF THE ONES TOO!"

ELROND: "Silence! Silence! There are so many the Ones…which one of you is the One?"

EVERYBODY: "I AM!"

FRODO: "All right, all right, I will take the phone…I am not one of the ones, so I should qualify, right?"

Everyone falls silence.

JET LI: "I have too many mobile phones already! I am not interested in yours!"

With that, Jet Li disappeared in a bright flash of light.

AERIS: "Er, oh, come to think of it, I think I need to be stabbed through the chest. Goodbye!"

SQUALL: "Er, yeah, bye, I got sorceress to kill."

SUPERMAN: "Er, I think I hear a damsel in distress."

SPIDERMAN: "Oh yes, me too!"

HARRY POTTER: "I have decided to go to Hogwarts!"

ANAKIN: "Oh yeah, I’d rather be pod-racing!"

Elrond shrugs.

ELROND: "Well, it seem that you are the one…"

GANDALF: "With you, carrying the phone I am at ease. I will be supporting you all the way young friend."

SOLID SNAKE: "By life or death, if I can protect you, I will. You have my SI-COM."

LEGOLAS THE ELF: "You have my bow."

GIMLI THE DWARF: "And my axe…"

HARRY POTTER: "And my scar."

ANAKIN: "And my racer pod."

RON: "And my incredible chess openings!"

ELROND: "It is settled then. You shall be the Fellowship of the Phone!"