Chapter 3 — A Shortcut to get Frodo stabbed in the Night

The day is giving way to a golden dusk as Frodo and Harry trek through a field ready for harvest. All of a sudden, just before a scarecrow with three crows perched on it (and a scarecrow that has obviously failed its job of keeping crows away) Harry stops.

HARRY (in melodramatic tone): "This, is it."

Frodo turns to face Harry, unnerved by the serious tone in Harry’s voice.

FRODO (quite unnerved): "This is what?"

Harry looks up into the sky, raising up his head slightly and lifting up his left arm.

HARRY (in a dramatic tone): "This is one small step for a hobbit, a giant step for hobbitkind."

FRODO (puzzled): "Er, you are not a hobbit, you know."

HARRY (putting his hand behind his back): "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

FRODO: "We will get nowhere if you are going to stay here and quote famous phrases."

HARRY: "Er, well, to be precise, if I take one more step, it will be the furthest way from home I have ever gone."

FRODO: "Er…Harry, why would your furthest point away from home be in the middle of a wheat field?"

HARRY (scratching his head): "That’s a good question."

After a moment of philosophical silence, Frodo and Harry make off, following the road. Dusk comes and the sun sets.

* * *

Somewhere out there, out in Hobbiton is a nice quiet hill that gives one a bird's-eye view of the entire sleepy countryside. And seated upon a sleek black motorcycle, with a gigantic engine built into it and gothic band stickers pasted on it is a tall, man-like creature in a thick black leather jacket, wearing gloves the hues of midnight. A black hood, like an executioner’s hat, covers the head of the lone, grim figure. The figure urges his bike in motion and with a gigantic roar of the engine, heads off to Hobbiton.

* * *

Golden stalks of thick dense wheat towers at both sides of the road. Harry looks up, down, left and right for any sign of Frodo and finding none calls out:

HARRY (calling out): "Frodo? Frodo? Where are you?"

All of a sudden, feeling nervous, Harry hastens his footsteps down the path to look for Frodo.

HARRY (calling out even louder): "Frodo! Frodo! Where are you?"

FRODO (popping out from nowhere): "Here I am! What’s wrong, Harry?"

HARRY (panting slightly): "Oh it’s nothing. It just something that Gandalf told me."

FRODO (wondering): "What did he say?"

HARRY: "He said, ‘Don’t you ever leave him, Harry Potter. For Frodo is just an ordinary chap but you are so powerful that you can make the biggest black magician in history run at the sound of your crying.’"

FRODO: "Oh Harry, there’s no black magician here so I guess….OUFF!"

All of a sudden, a small boyish figure bumps into Frodo and knocks him off onto the floor. And before Harry can react, another one crashes into Harry, knocking him down.

ANAKIN SKYWALKER: "Oh…look, it’s Frodo Baggins!"

RON: "Uh oh, and it’s Harry Potter here! What’s a pleasant surprise!"

Harry shoves Ron off.

HARRY (annoyed): "What do you think you are doing?"

Anakin just gets up and pulls Frodo along.

ANAKIN (exclaiming): "Quick, run!"

Ron pushes a bag of white powder into Harry’s hands.

HARRY (exclaiming): "Oh…you have been…"

Ron gives a Harry a shove.

RON: "I've got to make a move! Knight to E4! RUN!"

Harry, Ron, Frodo and Anakin breaks into a feverish run as they hear dogs barking behind them.

RON (shouting): "It just some Mysterious White Powder!"

ANAKIN (shouting back): "Not even Heroin! Not even opinum! Just some anthrax that will probably kill you if you are not careful with it!"

RON (screaming): "The point is, Anakin, is that he is clearly over-reacting…!"

The four comes to the steep slope of the hill. Harry, who is at the front, skids to a halt, with Frodo and Anakin crashing behind. Ron collides into them and looks down the

slope.

RON (screaming in fear): "We cannot escape! We cannot run! Argh!"

Ron waves his arms in fear and shock and panicking he pushes Anakin who in turns nudges Frodo who in turns collapses into Harry and the net effect is that they all tumble down the tree. Meanwhile, a chorus in the background sings

CHOIR: "Jack and Jill went up a hill, to fetch a pail of water…"

RON (protesting): "My name’s not Jack!"

HARRY (screaming): "I am not Jill either!"

FRODO (yelling): "WRONG SONG!"

CHOIR: "But you all end up rolling down a hill!"

The four of them end up sprawled on the ground.

ANAKIN (in pain): "I think I broke something…urgh…it’s my mobile phone!"

Anakin takes out his mobile phone and moans over it. Then he notices the one Frodo is hanging by the belt and says,

ANAKIN: "Hey, cool Frodo! Since when did you get that mobile phone? Can I take a look?"

Harry places himself before Frodo.

HARRY: "No! That’s phone is Frodo’s!"

ANAKIN: "It’s just a phone…"

All of sudden, a BEEP comes from the phone. Frodo risks a look at it and there is a SMS that reads:

SMS: "Wherever you are, wherever you go, I will be there for you — NAZGUL"

FRODO: "Get off the road!"

RON: "I won’t call this a road. A dirt track, maybe."

FRODO: "All right then, get off the dirt track!"

HARRY: "Ron, you are wrong. This is obviously a dirt path."

FRODO: "All right then, get off the dirt path!"

ANAKIN: "No! No! By the Force within me, this is a yellow brick road leading to Oz!"

Suddenly, a voice booms in the far distant, accompanied by roars of thunder.

VOICE IN THE FAR DISTANT: "This is already a Star Wars, Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter mix-up! I'm warning you — do not drag the Wizard of Oz into it as well!"

FRODO (screaming, throwing his hand up): "We need to get off this yellow brick road that leads to Oz!"

HARRY (shaking his head): "Now I see it, this is in fact a backwater forest path, not a road…"

RON (putting hands to his ear): "And why do I hear the engine of a motorbike on a backwater, forest path?"

FRODO (hysterically): "BECAUSE IT’S COMING FOR ME AND SO THAT WHY I NEED TO HIDE!"

Frodo grabs Harry who in turn grabs Anakin who in turns pull Ron and all four hide behind a hideous old tree. The roar of engine comes closer and closer, till it stops next by the tree where they are hiding. There is a heavy clang of metal boots as the rider dismounts. The rider clutches at the side of tree, sniffing the air heavily.

HARRY (holding his nose, thinking to himself): "This fellow smells of cigarette!"

RON (holding his nose as well): "Of expired cologne!"

ANAKIN (holding his nose as well too): "Of beer and wine!"

FRODO (trying to withstand the stench): "And he has bad breath!"

At this, Harry reaches into his shirt pocket for a packet of Fisherman’s Friend. With a hurl, he throws it to the other side of the road. With a screech, the black rider rushes to the packet of fisherman’s friend. The other four make their quick escape, as the black rider holds up the packet of Fisherman’s Friend and faces the camera:

NAZGUL: "Fisherman’s friend…removes bad breath for anyone…including undead ringwraiths!"

* * *

The four dart from tree to tree, hoping to shake off their pursuer under the blanket of night. But the black riders seem to have infravision and they have been avoiding them narrowly for the past three hours.

After hiding behind a tree for the 10136th time, Anakin finally gets fed up:

ANAKIN (fed up and tired): "Frodo just what is going on here?"

RON: "They are looking for someone, or something….Frodo?"

Frodo risks a quick peep at his belt, at the One Phone and grimaces when all of a sudden Harry exclaims,

HARRY: "Get down!"

The four hide behind bushes and from their vantage point, they can see one of the black riders on a sleek black motorcycle. He

looks large and bulky — the massive size of his jacket betrays the muscular hunk that he is.

FRODO: "I need to get to Bree."

ANAKIN (nodding): "Bree. Right, let use my racer pod. It parked near the Brandywine Bridge."

In silent agreement, the four pop out from their bushes to make a run for the Brandywine Bridge. All of a sudden, a black motorcycle zooms out from nowhere with its rider screaming away like a gecko with a sore throat.

HARRY: "Run!"

RON: "Run run!"

ANAKIN: "Run run run!"

The three heroic friends bravely make a hasty retreat from the black rider, leaving poor Frodo alone to fend off the black rider. The engine of the black motorbike revved and roared as poor Frodo ran for his life. Meanwhile, the three friends cut through the field and the still water of the river comes into sight.

Anakin throws a key to Harry as he shouts:

ANAKIN: "You get the engine started, Harry!"

The three scrambled onto the racer pod as Frodo arrives with an angry Nazgul on a black motorbike.

RON: "Wow, watch how Frodo run! I bet he has broken the Bree Ale Record for track and field!"

The black rider is catching up, the gruesome figure of a man swinging a wicked chain in the air.

HARRY: "Jump, Frodo!"

Just as the engine of the racer pod starts, Frodo runs and jumps, landing squarely onto Harry.

RON: "Wow, Frodo has also broken the long distance jump record!"

With a crackle of energy, the racer pod speeds over the river. Behind them, the black rider stops his sleek black motorcycle. With a cool turn, he swerves and rides away, at the same time barking into his headphone. Three other riders on motorbikes with "NAZGUL" in fiery letters emblazoned on it join him and off they disappear into the night.

STRANGE VOICE FROM THE SKY: "Question! Why did the hobbit cross the river?"

NAZGUL: "If you see me coming, you will cross the river too, even if you cannot swim!"

* * *

Somewhere, in the dark recess of the Headmaster’s office, Dumbledore the wizard is stares intently into a holographic diagram of a burning eye.

DUMBLEDORE: "The power of Hogwarts is yours to command, Sauron, Emperor of Middle Earth. What does the Eye command?"

SAURON: "Build me an army worthy of Mordor…"

DUMBLEDORE: "Army..? But all that I have here are kids and teenagers with uncontrolled hormones!"

SAURON: "Do I sound as if I care?" (Of course, he said that in cool, unintelligible syllables that would drive all linguists diving for their Black Speech Dictionary).

A little while later, a bunch of foreign Orcish manservants come into the room, to find a rather startled and pale Dumbelore sitting at the chair.

ORCISH SERVANT: "What is the command of Mordor? What does the Eye demand?"

DUMBLEDORE: "We have work to do. But first, serve me my dinner."

After eating his dinner, Dumbledore decides to step up on house discipline. After announcing his martial laws that all boys and girls are to be put in special training camps, riots and rebellions break out all over the place. Dumbledore comes out from his office to supervise the arrest of the rebels.

ORCISH SERVANT: "The students are stiff-necked, o lord. Their stubbornness are like the roots of the tree."

DUMBLEDORE: "Bring them all in!"

It is at this moment the sky decides to turn black and rain decides to fall, heightening the misery of the students.

STUDENTS OF HOGWARTS (scream and shouting as they all being pressed into concentration camps): "What is this? Where are you bringing us to?"

DUMBLEDORE: "Tear down the parks and the gardens! Raze the fields! Dig holes in them to build my mega-military-training-camp! Burn down the Quidditch field! Too long have those lazybones wasted time casting silly spells and fooling with recreational actvities! I will show them real magic!"

ORCISH SERVANT (runs puffing up to Dumbledore): "My lord, Hagrid the half-giant has escaped with a number of students!"

DUMBLEDORE (gasping): "What, he

dares to turn against me! But now I have work to do…"

High up at the top of Hogwarts, Gandalf wakes up, feeling the full misery of the rain. He stands up and looks down, and to his horror, sees teams of Orcs driving young children and teenagers into crudely constructed camps.

GANDALF: "Noooo…."

* * *

The rain falls heavily. By the time the four friends have reached Bree, they are all sopping wet. Anakin’s racer pod crashes into the tree just before they reache Bree and now they have to escape from the black riders on foot.

But now the gates of Bree loom before them. Frodo glances uneasily at his friends and with a nod from Harry, steps forward and knocks the door.

DOOR: Knock! Knock! Knock!

GATEKEEPER: "Here’s a knocking indeed! If a man were porter of hell gate, he should have old turning the key."

DOOR: Knock! Knock! Knock!

GATEKEEPER: "Who’s there, in the name of Morgoth? Here’s a hobbit farmer, that hanged himself on the expectations of many silver spoons. Come in, time-server, there’s enough napkins for you here!"

DOOR: Knock! Knock! Knock!

GATEKEEPER: "Who’s there, by Angband’s iron? Faith, there’s an Istari equivocator, that could scheme in both the scales and against the scales."

DOOR: Knock! Knock! Knock!

FRODO: "I wonder what that gatekeeper's mumbling about behind the door."

HARRY: "Perhaps he cannot find the key?"

ANAKIN: "Let try something else."

With that, he concentrates hard on the door and the door swings back, slamming the gatekeeper against the wall.

HARRY: "Wow, is that magic?"

ANAKIN: "It is the Force!"

At this time, a tall gentleman, in a three-piece suit with a tailcoat, walks out from Bree, mumbling and looking at an apple.

NEWTON: "Hmm..I know what to call my first law…the First Law of Newton…"

The four friends exchange strange looks before hurrying into Bree. After a while, the gatekeeper, mumbling pushes the gate forward.

GATEKEEPER: "This place is too cold to be a gatekeeper for the Mount of Doom! Pray thee, remember the porter…hey, where’s everybody? I haven’t finished yet!"

Inside Bree, the four friends tremble in fear as adults of many sizes and themes wander the street. Some look mean, some look disfigured and most don’t look friendly. Eventually, they make their way to the Inn of the Prancing Pony.

Harry and Anakin push the door open, and they stroll in. The counter stands at least 1.5 metres tall, which is higher than anyone of them. At this time, a slightly red in the face, tall but rather plump bar-tender leans against the counter and looks down at them.

BUTTERBUB: "Well, four kids!"

FRODO (indignantly); "Three kids and one hobbit! I am already an adult, by hobbit’s reckoning, mind you!"

BUTTERBUB: "All right, all right, little masters. Your business is your own. I guess I can give you the hobbit rooms."

FRODO: "Well, I suppose so…my name is…Underhill. I am a friend of Gandalf the Grey. Can you please inform him that I have arrived."

At this point, the entire bar grows strangely quiet. Butterbub begins to shake.

BUTTERBUB: "Gandalf…ah…tall old gentleman, pointy hat, with white beard…that one on the wall?"

The innkeeper points to a poster on the wall.

WANTED POSTER: Gandalf the Grey. WANTED: 10,000 GOLD COINS. "I KNEW WHAT YOU DID IN THE HOBBIT."

Harry looks at Frodo. Frodo shrugs at Ron. Ron shakes his head at Anakin and Anakin stares at Frodo.

* * *

The three of them are seated at a rough, oversized table, chewing a dry crust of bread and washing it down with some soft drink. Ron comes back with a large mug of ale, greed in the little alcoholic eyes.

Anakin: "What’s that?"

Ron: "This, my friend, is a pint."

Harry (eyes grow wide): "Pint! You mean it comes in pints!"

With that, Harry takes off to the bar while Frodo cries out,

FRODO: "No Harry! You are still under-aged!"

Suddenly, Anakin nudges Frodo.

ANAKIN: "With my Jedi mind tricks, I

can sense that fellow has been staring at you ever since you entered here."

Frodo glances at the direction at Anakin’s head is pointing at, and see a rough, unshaved face, clad in some tight black and grey clothing. He is wearing some form of cloak, the hood covering his head and hiding his eyes.

Butterbub was strolling merrily by and Frodo calls out to him.

FRODO: "Who is that fellow?"

BUTTERBUB: "Oh, him! I don’t rightly know his name He is one of the rangers here. Dangerous folk they are. I'm not sure about his name, but folks here call him Solid Snake."

FRODO (muttering to himself): "Solid Snake…Solid Snake…"

All of sudden, a tremendous urge to play Snake on the One Phone fills Frodo’s mind. It seems that the digital snake in the phone is calling out to him…he subconsciously pulls out the phone and fingers it…

THE ONE PHONE: "Snake…snake….snake…."

HARRY: "Oh Baggins! Yes, I know a Baggins. Frodo Baggins, over there! He is my good friend."

Harry’s voice suddenly shakes Frodo back to reality. There he sees Harry Potter pointing at he, speaking at the top of his lungs,

HARRY: "Hey there, Frodo Baggins!"

EVERYBODY ELSE: "Shut up! We all now know that he is Frodo Baggins!"

Butterbub is there shaking a finger.

BUTTERBUB: "Now, now, naughty boy, lying to me that you are Mr. Underhill!"

Frodo leaps up from his seat with a "No" and dashes toward Harry. Harry’s eyes widen in surprise as Harry shouts out:

HARRY: "Hey, watch it!"

Frodo trips on someone’s shoe and falls, the One Phone is thrown up into the air. In a desperate attempt to grab the phone, Frodo reaches out his hand and as the phone slips into his hand, his finger presses a button.

THE ONE PHONE: "Beep!"

There is a gigantic roar of energy as a beam of light shoots out from the phone, vaporizing two innocent bystanders and blasting a gaping hole in the ceiling. The burst of energy releases a shockwave that smashes all the lanterns and puts out all the lights Everybody screams and recoils in horror as Frodo struggles to his feet and runs about, groping in the darkness.

The lights eventually come back on. Frodo finds himself near the bottom of the staircase. He looks back in alarm and sees two pairs of smoking boots.

FRODO (muttering to himself): "Oh dear, did I just do that?"

He looks at the phone and the readout says,

THE ONE PHONE: "Phaser set to overkill mode."

All of sudden, a gloved hand grabs Frodo by the collar. Solid Snake slams Frodo against the wall and he snarls,

SOLID SNAKE: "You bring too much attention to yourself, Mr. Underhill!"

FRODO (struggling): "Who are you?"

SOLID SNAKE: "I am Solidus Snake. "

With that, Solid Snake drags Frodo upstairs and throw him against the floor.

SOLID SNAKE: "A word of caution for you, Mr. Underhill. That is no trinket that you carry there."

FRODO (defiant): "I carry nothing!"

SOLID SNAKE (snarling): "Indeed."

He quickly closes the window and extinguishes the candle with his thumb and index finger.

SOLID SNAKE: "I can become invisible and choke people to death without being seen if I want to, but to be able to vaporize two people and almost cause the inn to collapse with just a press of button, now that’s no mere feat. (turning to face Frodo) Are you afraid?"

FRODO: "Yes"

SOLID SNAKE: "But not enough. I know what hunts you…"

The door behind them burst open and in come Anakin, Harry and Ron, all sorts of miscellaneous weapons in their hand. Solid Snake spins around and in a flash draws a sleek Elvish combat knife.

HARRY: "You let my friend go, or I’ll turn you into a toad!"

SOLID SNAKE (sheathing his knife): "You have brave hearts, but that will not save you."

* * *

DOOR: "Knock! Knock! Knock!"

GATEKEEPER: "Here it goes again, a knocking once more! I can act my Shakespearian lines once more…(he recalls what happened a few hours ago)..Hmm then again, maybe not"

The gatekeeper walks towards the gate and says

GATEKEEPER: "I’ll be a hell-porter no more! Anon, anon! I pray thee, remember the — argh!"

Before the gatekeeper can finish, the two gates slam down as nine black motorbikes break through and crush the poor gatekeeper underneath. They park their motorbikes next to the Inn of the Prancing Pony, get off and unceremoniously, bash down the door. Wherever they go, an Orcish special effects crew with dry ice follows, and soon the whole place is thick with smoke.

The Black Riders make their way to the hobbits’ room. One by one, they step in and drawing out knives, they stand next to each bed. At a synchronised timing they plunge their blades deep into the bed. Blood and gore did not greet them — but rather, feathers and cloth.

They scream in the most vulgar languages possible, in outrage and in anger. Swiftly, they turn and get down and ride away. Their GPS system has told them where to go.

* * *

Meanwhile, Solid Snake and the four friends are watching the movement of the Black Riders in a building across the inn.

FRODO: "What are they?"

SOLID SNAKE: "They were once kings, great kings of men. They took the Phones of Power without question, and one by one slipped into debt, to be enslaved by the Dark Emperor Sauron. They are the ringwraiths, Nazgul, neither living nor the dead. They are scared of nothing. They fear nothing, as long as the evil of Sauron drives them on."

Morning at last comes and through strange ways and shortcuts Solid Snake leads them. Through forest paths, mountain roads and marshy wastelands Solid Snake leads them. He strikes a tough path and by evening all of them are wearied.

At last, they come to a ruined tower standing on the top of a hill.

SOLID SNAKE: "That was once the great watchtower of Amon Hen. We will camp there tonight."

They slowly and painfully make their way up the pathway. At the top, as they set camp, Solid Snake reaches into his pack and throws down some knives.

SOLID SNAKE: "You are supposed to find them yourself, but there is not enough time for you to do all that now. Those are knives out from Numenor, the country of legend. Keep them well!"

Frodo, Harry, Ron and Anakin draw out those blades. They glitter in the waning sunlight.

ANAKIN: "Hey, how come my blade does not turn blue yet!"

SOLID SNAKE: "You are not yet a Jedi Knight. I am going down to take a look."

* * *

Frodo does not know how long he has gone without sleep. He is so tired that soon he falls asleep like a log. He is then woken by laughter. There he sees Harry, Anakin and Ron huddling around a handphone. Ron is playing Snake on it.

RON (laughing): "Hah, yes! I beat Sauron’s high score at Snake!"

ANAKIN (laughing louder): "Haha! Sauron only managed to get a miserable 3 points at Snake! I guess he can’t play snake well with a missing finger!"

Frodo jumps up in horror and screams,

FRODO: "You fools! What are you doing!"

HARRY: "Oh, Mr. Frodo. We were bored so we ‘borrowed’ your handphone for a while for a game of Snake. We got carried away…"

FRODO: (snatching the phone from Ron): "Give it back to me! Stop it at once…"

All of a sudden, the stench of cigarette smoke and bad breath is in the air. The sound of motorbike engines draws closer and closer. Nine Nazgul have gathered at the foot of Amon Hen!

FRODO (drawing his blade): "Go!"

They quickly run up to the peak of the hill and huddle in the centre, frightened and uncertain. All of a sudden, footsteps are heard. And clad in black leather jackets, with heavy metal chains around their necks, hooded and with knives in their hands, the black riders appear.

HARRY: "Back, you devil!"

Harry jumps forward to stab at a Rider but the Rider sidesteps the blow and shoves Harry to one side. Anakin and Ron stares at each other ducks aside as one of the rider with outstretched hand reaches for Frodo.

Frodo tries to raise his blade to defend himself but loses his nerve. His sword drops, clattering to the ground, as he turns to run. He slips and falls onto the stone floor and scrambles backward, all of the while resisting the urge to use the phone.

The leading black rider produces a syringe from his jacket, which is filled with a bubbling green substance. Frodo cringes backward as the black rider reaches forward. Giving in to temptation, Frodo dials 911 on the phone.

A burst of blue light fills the air. Everything around him seems to be transparent. But he does not disappear! The Black Rider now looks more hideous than before…

NAZGUL (whispering hollowly): "Now see what has Mordor’s Beauty Salon has done to us all…"

The Nazgul reaches forward to grab the phone but at the last minute, as a final gesture of defiance, Frodo draws back. The Nazgul grows angry and he stabs the syringe into the Frodo’s shoulder. The hobbit’s shoulder grows numb and pain explodes. He lets go of the button as he screams.

At this moment, Solid Snake bursts in, combat knife in one hand, a flaming torch in another. After taking this scene in, Frodo passes out.

The End of "Lord of the Ring Tunes — 3"

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