The Treason of Hogwarts

Cheerful young teenagers and kids run about in the school park during recess. House captains sit at the table and discuss the various ways to stop the annoying students from being an annoyance. Gandalf takes one look at the cheerful crowd before sighing and turning to Dumbledore.

GANDALF (in a low voice): "The Phone has been found!"

DUMBLEDORE (with curiosity in his eyes): "Do you mean…"

GANDALF (nodding his head): "I have found the phone. It is now in the lands of the Shire. What measures must we take to prevent agents of the Playstation from getting their hands on it?"

DUMBLEDORE (nodding his head): "So it has been found. All the while right under your nose, Gandalf. Your fascination for all things cute and fluffy, like Pokemon, has slowed your wit!"

GANDALF (urgently): "Perhaps there is still time. Time to counter the Dark Emperor Sauron!"

At this point, Dumbledore stops and jerks his head towards Gandalf, a strange glint in his eyes. Gandalf stops and turns to look at Dumbledore. The Principal of Hogwarts strokes his beard and then says in a grave voice,

DUMBLEDORE (gravely): "To the well-organised mind, death is but the next great adventure"

Gandalf’s jaws drop open.

GANDALF (bewildered): "Huh?"

DUMBLEDORE (thinking furiously to himself): "Oh…marshmallows! This Generic Word of Wisdom is not applicable now. Quick, next line!"

He thinks for a millisecond,

DUMBLEDORE (gravely, holding his head up in the air): "Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery."

GANDALF (angrily): "If you are telling me to accept the fact that I am addicted to smoking, then say so! Do not veil your words in thinly disguised attacks at my character!"

DUMBLEDORE (still gravely): "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that."

GANDALF (shaking his head): "What you are talking about?"

At this point, Dumbledore quickly takes a peep at chalk writings on his staff.

DUMBLEDORE (anxiously thinking to himself): "Oh darn, I am running out of famous sayings!"

GANDALF (impatiently): "So what we going to do about the Phone?"

DUMBLEDORE (rather apologetically): "Let talk over a cup of coffee."

* * *

Dumbledore invites Gandalf into the Principal Office for a cup of coffee. As Gandalf indulges in a cup of Maxwell instant coffee, Dumbledore rambles on:

DUMBLEDORE: "The hour is later than you think."

GANDALF (looking at the clock): "It’s only ten o’clock."

DUMBLEDORE: "But the hour is indeed later than you think!"

GANDALF (shaking his head, puzzled): "I think it is ten o’clock. The clock says it is ten o’clock. I am correct! The hour is not later than I think."

Dumbledore angrily stands up and advances the hour hand of the clock by one hour. Then he quickly sits down and all of a sudden become calm.

DUMBLEDORE (speaking in a grave voice): "The hour is indeed later than what you think. Sauron, though he cannot take on a physical form, his spirit has lost none of his potency. His GPS system sees through all things — water, air, fog, wall, stone and flesh."

GANDALF (begins to shake): "His GPS system?"

DUMBLEDORE (nodding): "Yes. The Red Eye Network. He is gathering to himself all manner of evil. In the air over Mordor now lies a new shadow, a massive space station known as the Playstation."

GANDALF (shocked): "He is rebuilding the Playstation?"

DUMBLEDORE (nodding his head): "Yes. The Playstation was only partially destroyed in the great wars during the Second Age. With the help of Darth Vader, the Dark Emperor Sauron is rebuilding the Playstation and will soon a muster an army big enough to launch an assault.

GANDALF: "How do you know?"

DUMBELDORE (leaning forward): "I have seen it.."

Dumbledore leads Gandalf out from the principal office to a much more spacious room. At the end of the room is a comfortable looking throne. Standing in the center of the room is a mirror.

Dumbledore leads Gandalf to the mirror and pulls off the cloth. But Gandalf takes one look, gasps and seizes the cloth from Dumbledore.

GANDALF: "The Mirror of Erised! We must not use it!"

With this, Gandalf puts the cloth over the mirror.

DUMBLEDORE: "Why not? Why do we fear to use it?"

GANDALF: "They are not all accounted for after the fall of the Palantir Broadcasting Network! We must not use them!"

DUMBLEDORE: "The situation is much more perilous than you think. The Nine are already moving."

GANDALF (aghast): "The Nine?"

DUMBLEDORE (nodding): "Yes, the nine."

GANDALF (shaking his head): "Nine?"

DUMBELDORE (nodding vigorously): "Yes, the Nine"

Suddenly, Gandalf and Dumbledore link hands together and as they dance in a circle, they sing:

GANDALF and DUMBLEDORE: "Nine green bottles, sitting on the wall. Nine green bottles, sitting on the wall. And if one green bottle should accidentally fall, there’d be eight green bottles sitting on the wall!"

Dumbledore breaks off from the dance and says impatiently,

DUMBLEDORE: "I mean the Nine Nazgul!"

GANDALF: "No! This cannot be! My life for Auir!"

DUMBLEDORE (Nodding and speaking sternly): "They will find the Phone and sue the one who carries it."

The implication of this finally hits Gandalf.

GANDALF: "No! My shares!"

DUMBELDORE (puzzled): "Huh?"

GANDALF (explaining): "The Nazgul are on the move! It is bad for the market! I must sell all those shares before the price comes crashing down! All that the Nazgul need to do is to launch a terrorist attack and my shares will be doomed!"

With that, Gandalf heads to exit the room

GANDALF (under his breath): "Frodo!"

But as he reaches the door, the door swings shut with a bang. Gandalf turns and eyes Dumbledore warily. Then he turns to try another door. With a look of his eye, the door swings shut. Gandalf then runs toward another door. With yet another stern look, Dumbledore shuts the door. Then Gandalf dives towards the windows. The principal of Hogwarts gives a stern look at the window and a voice pops up:

VOICE: "The Window has been shutdown successfully. It is now safe to turn off your computer."

Gandalf, once more finding his exit barred, turns to face Dumbledore as if expecting an explanation.

DUMBLEDORE (with much patience): "Gandalf, against the Playstation in Mordor there can be no victory. We must join with Sauron. It will be wise, my friend. We must join with Sauron."

Gandalf stares slowly at Dumbledore, then he says,

GANDALF: "What? Do you mean that we need to be dressed in white space suit, talk with a mechanical hiss and wear a white helmet?"

DUMBLEDORE: "Why not? That’s the usual uniform of a stormtrooper! "

GANDALF: "But why?"

DUMBLEDORE (hanging his head in shame): "Why, because Hogwarts has been acquired by Mordor Inc! So we must join with Him, before He retrenches us all!

Gandalf glares at Dumbledore

GANDALF (slowly and deliberately): "Tell me, friend. When since did Dumbledore the Wise invest in the wrong shares and was declared bankrupt?"

There is a still silence in the hall, when suddenly Dumbledore pulls out a wand from his sleeve and points at Gandalf. There is a sudden blast of air and a wrenching thud as a blast of magical force hits…

DUMBLEDORE (screaming in horror and throwing his hands up): "My Mirror of Erised!"

The mirror breaks into a thousand pieces, fragment of glass showering the room. Gandalf gives a cry, thrusts his staff forward and issues a blast of magical force at Dumbledore. It hits Dumbledore squarely and sends him flying back. But at the same time, Dumbledore snaps his wand at Gandalf and sends Gandalf rocketing into the wall.

Dumbledore pushes himself up and reaches into his pocket a small ball of yellow stuff. He sticks it onto his wand and aims it at the struggling Gandalf who is trying to stand up.

DUMBLEDORE (shouting): "Eat this!"

With this, he points his wand at Gandalf and sends the yellowish ball straight into Gandalf’s mouth. Gandalf swallows it.

GANDALF (eyeing Dumbledore warily): "What was that?"

DUMBLEDORE (talking calmly): "Why, if you have taken the blue pill…"

GANDALF (suddenly feeling very sick): "What’s… this!?"

DUMBLEDORE (smiling gently): "Why, Every-flavor Candy! Vomit flavor!"

Gandalf jerks as he sinks to his knee, trying very hard to not to vomit.

DUMBLEDORE: "Humans have a knack for choosing precisely the things that are worst for them. You…are one of them too! You have chosen the way of pain…and suffering!" (Muttering to himself) "Yes! I have finally applied one Word of Wisdom correctly!"

With that, he raises his hand and with a whoosh, send Gandalf spiraling far up, up and up…

As Gandalf screams on his way up, he passes by a multitude of pictures. They seem to be clapping and welcoming him…

Dumbledore looks at the broken pieces of mirror on the floor. Sighing, he takes out his phone of power and dials a number:

DUMBLEDORE: "Hi, is this the Red Eye Network customer service? My Mirror has been broken."

ORCISH CUSTOMER SERVICE: "Groooowll…your mirror’s still under warranty?"

DUMBLEDORE: "Yes, yes."

ORCISH CUSTOMER SERVICE: "So what’s the problem?"

DUMBLEDORE (dumfounded): "My mirror is broken!"

ORCISH CUSOMTER SERVICE: "Please hold on a second while I check with the technical staff…"

DUMBLEDORE (shouting into the phone): "My Mirror is broken! I just want a replacement!"

ORCISH CUSTOMER SERVICE: "Groooowll…well, if that’s the problem, maybe you shall reinstall your Window."

DUMBLEDORE (dumfounded): "What?"