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Dr. Seuss' LotR - by Blue Wizard

The day when Bilbo left his ring
I did not want to dance or sing
I did not want his ring at all
I did not want it in my hall
I did not want it in my pocket
I did not want it in a locket
I did not want it on a chain
Having it was quite a pain.

I asked Gandalf to throw it out
But he said "No" with a great shout
"We must destroy it in the fire
although the way is dark and dire."

"We have to walk to Orodruin
Through smoke and fire and wreck and ruin
We have to find the Cracks of Doom
We have to find them very soon."

And so I hiked to Rivendell
With Sam-I-Am and friends as well
We met some elves along the way
Who said "The Shire's no place to stay"

We hiked through hills that were so hilly
We met old Tom whose songs were silly
He saved us from a hungry tree
And sent us on our way to Bree

In Bree we finally met with Strider
Who saved us from the threats of Riders
We crept from there to Elrond's houses
As quiet as five little mouses.

Though we'd prefer to visit taverns
We headed South to Durin's caverns
Orcs were there, and nasty things
(I'm still not sure if one had wings)

We found the door, and through it fit
But Gandalf fell into a pit
We ran to daylight, ran so fast
Until we met some elves at last.

They said "Your trip is not complete.
And so to spare your tired feet.
We suggest that you try floating.
It's much less tiring to go boating."

And so with paddles in our hands
we floated South to foreign lands.
But Boromir, he tried to steal
my precious ring - the rotten heel.

I went to Mordor with no friends
While Boromir, to make amends
Died while fighting orcs so numerous
I will not try to make this humorous.

But, much to my delight and glee
Sam-I-Am had followed me
But so had Gollum, as we found
once we got to solid ground.

We walked on logs
We walked through bogs
We walked in fens
and wooded glens.

We walked until at last we came
To a high pass with a bad name
We did not know that deep inside
A monstrous spider tried to hide.

But we escaped, as you have guessed
Though Gollum was an awful pest
At last we came to Orodruin
With Cracks of Doom amid its ruin.

And when at last it was my job
To take the ring and gently lob
it down into the Cracks of Doom
I quickly looked around the room

I said "I really like this ring.
I like it more than anything.
I will not throw it in this pit
Though Gandalf throws a hissy-fit."

But I did notice Gollum linger
He bit off my own ring finger
He took my ring and then stepped back
right into the flaming crack.

So I went to my home to rest
until I tire of the West
And though they think that I'm the hero
Sometimes I think "I'm just a zero."

I did not want that ring of gold
I did not want it - I'm not bold
I'm just a hobbit, as you see
Who'd never ventured East of Bree.

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