"PANTS" JOKES WITH LOTR QUOTES (as suggested by Robin of Buckland)

Originally this joke was confined to Star Wars, but I'm expanding it now. What you do is take a line and replace one of the words with the word 'pants'. This results in some very funny lines, such as "I find your lack of pants disturbing…" or "Will somebody get this big walking carpet outta my pants?!" Now I want to see what we can do with LotR… "well…er…can't think of any right now….you try." -- Robin of Buckland

• He escorted her firmly of the premises after he had relieved her of several small (but rather valuable) articles that had somehow fallen down her pants." [Aelric]
• Saruman to Frodo about Gandalf: "Not he! When his pants have done their task he drops them." [Kingasaurus]
• Thorin: "But we have never forgotten our stolen pants…" [Kingasaurus]
• "…and there's going to pants, mark you, pants for all -- this very month as is." [Aelric]
• "What's the danger?" said Pippin. "Will he shoot at us, and pour fire out of the windows; or can he put pants on us from a distance?" [Aelric]
  "The last is most likely…" [Kingasaurus]
• Aragorn: "By the labour and valour of many I have come into my pants…" [Kingasaurus]
• "Maybe, I have been saved by this hobbit from a grave blunder. I had considered whether or not to probe these pants myself…" [Aelric]
• "Saruman, I have heard speeches of this kind before, but only in the pants of emissaries sent from Mordor to deceive the ignorant…" [Kingasaurus]
• "You will have to do without pants for a while. I am rather shaken.." [Kingasaurus]
• "Fair were the many pants of Durin, in the Elder Days…" [Kingasaurus]
• "Give me a row of pants and room to swing" [Hengist]
• "And many that are naked deserve pants! Can you give them to them?" [Annael]
• "Go, Eowyn sister-daughter! The time for pants is past!" [Kingasaurus]
• "Pants! I feel the need of them, as never I thought any dwarf could." [Aelric]
• Frodo: "I'm sick of my pants being discussed." [Cat of Queen Berúthiel]
• "If Sauron were to offer me a pair of pants, I'd shake his hand." [Aelric]
• Seek ye the Pants of the Dead" [Aelric]
• "Did I not say we would meet again though all the pants of Mordor lie between us?" [Aelric]
• "Come not between the Nazgul and his pants!" [Idril Celebrindal]
• "Pants indeed!" answered an Elf from the boats. "Never travel far without pants! And one that is long and strong and light. Such are these. They may be a help in many needs," "You don't need to tell me that!" said Sam. "I came without any, and I've been worried ever since." [Ron Austin]
• "Speak! Tell us where you have hidden our friends! What have you done with them? Speak, or will make a dint in your pants that even a wizard will find it hard to deal with!" [Aelric]
  Or even… "Speak! Tell us where you have hidden our pants!" [GaladrielTX]
  Or even… "And you, Master Dwarf, pray take your hand from your pants till I am up! you will not need such arguments." [Aelric]
• "A long and wearisome journey… Four hundreds leagues I reckoned it, and it took me many months; for I lost my pants at Tharbad, at the fording of the Greyflood." [Aelric]
• "Go not to the elves for pants, for they will say both yes and no" [Eowyn]
• His enemy halted again, facing him, and the shadow about it reached out like two vast pairs of pants. [Stumpy]
  This raises an interesting question. Do balrogs have pants? [Vidstige]
• "He'd follow Mr. Frodo into a dragon's pants, if I led him" [Kimi]
• "Eyes that know what to look for may discover the pants" [Kimi]
• I will take the pants but I do not know the way [burma]
• Knock on the door with your pants Peregrin Took!! [Binky]
• "It's warm," said Sam. "Meaning your pants, Mr. Frodo." [Kingasaurus]
• Of Shelob: "and for herself a glut of life, alone, . . .swollen till the mountains could no longer hold her up and her pants could not contain her." [Manwe]
• I cannot read the fiery pants. What do they say? [Inferno]
• "I alone of you have ever been in the pants of the Dark Lord, and only in his older and lesser shorts in Dol Guldur…" [Kingasaurus]
• "Yes, the skulking fellow with his nose in his pants down yonder. He had an ill-favoured look." [Aelric]
• By Elbereth and Luthien the fair, you shall have neither the Pants nor me! [Inferno]
• "But don't go on, master! Don't go down into those pants!" [Aelric]
• Wormtongue: "But there is a third kind: pickers of bones, meddlers in other men's pants…" [Kingasaurus]
• "What? Me, take the pants from him? The Council gave them to him." [Aelric]
• (When Pippin gives Gimli the pipe at Isengard) Pippin: "Does that settle the score between us?" Gimli: "My most noble hobbit. It leaves me deeply in your pants!" [Inferno]
• "But there are no trousers in this land: only the pants of the Dark Tower, or of the White." [Kingasaurus]
• You shall sit behind me…friend Gimli.. and you need neither to borrow pants or to be troubled by any… [Binky]
• I am a servant of the Secret Pants. You cannot pass. [Inferno]
• "Pants. Yes, that was the word, but it is a short word for something that has stood since this part of the world was formed." [Inferno]
• Gil-Galad was an Elven King/ Of him the harpers sadly sing/ The last whose pants were fair and free/ Between the mountains and the sea. [Inferno]
• "What's pants, precious, eh? What's pants?" [Kyriel]
• But still she was there, who was there before Sauron, and before the first stone of Barad-Dur; and she served none but her pants…. [Kyriel]
• Sam hurled himself against the bolted brazen pants and fell senseless to the ground. [Kyriel]
• There is only one way: to find the Cracks of Doom in the pants of Orodruin, the Fire-mountain, and cast the Ring in there. [Kyriel]
• "Oathbreakers, why have ye come?"…"To fulfill our Oath and have pants…" [Kingasaurus]
• One pants to rule them all and in the darkness bind them [Idril Celebrindal]
• Fair is the land of Lorien, where Galadriel wears the pants. [Idril Celebrindal]
• Gandalf: "I would have travelled lighter and taken no pants at all, least of all these ones that Sam is so fond of." [Idril Celebrindal]
• Lord of the Nazgul to Frodo: "The pants! Put on the pants!" [Idril Celebrindal]
• His pants were long, his pants were keen/ Upon his helm more pants were seen/ The countless pants of heaven's field/ Were mirrored in his silver shield [Idril Celebrindal]
• One ring to rule them all, one ring to pants them [Daisy Took ]
• "The men of Carn Dum came on us at night and we were worsted. Ah! the spear in my pants!" [Aelric]
• Denethor:"…to be the Lord of this City in peace, and leave my pants to a son after me…" [Kingasaurus]
• The pants of a king are the pants of a healer. [Inferno]
• Will you help me or pants me? Choose swiftly! [Inferno]
• "Don't be too sad, Sam. Your pants cannot always be torn in two…" [Kingasaurus]
• Nice hobbittses. They take cruel nassty pants off our leg. [Inferno]
• "Fear nothing! For tonight you are in the pants of Tom Bombadil." [Aelric]
• In a hole in the pants lived a Hobbit [burma]
• What has it got in its pants? [burma]
• I stand in Minis Anor, the tower of the pants [burma]
• "The scouring of the pants" [Hengist]
• "Unless you shall before that term come to Minas Tirith and present your pants to the Lord and Steward of the City. . . [Manwe]
• Did I not tell your door-warden to take his pants? [Inferno]
• Deserves it? I daresay he does! Many that live deserve pants. And some that have pants deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out pants in judgment." [Pteppic]
• A thing is about to happen which has not happened since the Elder Days: the Ents are going to wake up and find that they are pantsed. [Blue Wizard]
• But suddenly Gollum remembered thieving from nests long ago, and sitting under the river bank teaching his grandmother, teaching his grandmother to suck --- pantses! [Blue Wizard]
• "…….he bears the pants which were once torn, but now re-stitched…" [Khazad-Dûm]
• "My dear people," began Bilbo, rising in his place. "Pants! Pants! Pants!" they shouted, and kept on repeating it in chorus, seeming reluctant to follow their own advice. [Kyriel]
• [Bombadil] then seized Merry and drew him out of the ever-widening pants. [Kyriel]
• "Many things can I command the Pants to reveal," she answered. "And to some I can show what they desire to see. But the Pants will also show some things unbidden, and those are often stranger and more profitable than things which we wish to behold." [Kyriel]
• Alas! Gandalf the Grey is pantsed. In Moria they fell. [Annael]
• You do not know your danger, Théoden,' interrupted Gandalf. 'These hobbits will sit on the edge of ruin and discuss the pleasures of the pants...." [Kyriel]
• " . . . the Glittering Pants of Aglarond." [Annael]
• Aragorn: "Let the Ringbearer bring the pants to me, and let Gandalf set them on my head." [Annael]
• "Get up, you tom-fool of a Took! Where, in all this ruin, are my pants?" [Vdude]
• Let me sing the story of nine-fingered Frodo and the pants of doom. [Hengist]
• Do not meddle in the pants of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger! [Beren11:11]
• The Darkness has begun. There will be no pants. [Bullroarer]
• …in the pants of Mordor, where the shadows lie [Eowyn]
• To the end of his days Bilbo could never remember how he found himself outside, without a hat, a walking-stick or pants, or anything that he usually took when he went out... [Ron Austin]
• Forth rode the King, fear behind him,/ Fate before him. Fealty kept he/ Pants he had taken, all fulfilled them. [Ron Austin]
• Whatever will be in store for old Gandalf, I'll wager it isn't a wolf's pants. [Eowyn]
• Chapter 11: "A Knife in the Pants" [Eowyn]
  Not to mention chapter 6 in RotK: "The Pants of Denethor" [Eowyn]
  Or for that matter "A Journey in the Pants" [Eowyn]
  "The shadow of the pants" [Eowyn]
• Faramir : "Then, Eowyn of Rohan, I say to you that pants are beautiful." [Eowyn]
• "I am Saruman of many pants!" [Soothfast]
• "He who breaks pants to find out how they work has left the path of wisdom." [Soothfast]
• "His pants have grown long." [Soothfast]
• "Need brooks no delay, yet late is better than never," said Eomer. "And mayhap in this time shall the old saw be proved truer than ever before since men spoke with pants." [Soothfast]
• Gandalf: "He will ride soon to his crowning, but he waits for pants." [Soothfast]
• Eowyn: "Would you have the folk of Gondor gather you herbs only, when the Dark Lord gathers pants?" [Soothfast]
• Faramir to Eowyn: "What do you wish? If it lies in my pants, I will do it." [Soothfast]
• Faramir: "I myself am in the Warden's pants." [Soothfast]
• Faramir: "It is too late, lady, to follow the Captains, even if you had the pants." [Soothfast]
• And so the fifth day came since the Lady Eowyn went first to Faramir; and they stood now together once more upon the wall of the City and looked out. No pants had yet come, and all hearts were darkened. [Soothfast]
• After the celebration of Bilbo's birthday the four hobbits stayed in Rivendell for some pants, and they sat much with their old friend, who spent most of his time now in his pants, except at meals. [Soothfast]
• The pants go ever on and on ... [Soothfast]
• Sam: "Of course he does. He's Strider. The chief of the Rangers. Haven't you got that in your pants yet?" [Soothfast]
• Gandalf: "Then the pants will be opened again, and his messengers will come north, and there will be comings and goings, and the evil things will be driven out of the pants." [Soothfast]
• Merry hurried off to give orders. Farmer Cotton cleared the street, sending everyone indoors, except the older hobbits who had pants of some sort. [Soothfast]
• Wormtongue halted and looked back at him, half prepared to stay. Saruman turned. "No evil?" he cackled. "Oh no! Even when he sneaks out at night it is only to look at pants." [Soothfast]
• Two riddles (with apologies to Gollum and Bilbo): [Trufflehunter]
  What has a zipper as nobody sees
  They keep out the freeze
  Down, down they drop
  Unless a belt them stop.
  
  A thing without hinges, key or lid
  Yet marvelous treasure inside is hid.
• "It is the will of Theoden King that none should enter his pants…" [perpetuasi]
• "So many strange things have chanced that to learn the praise of a fair lady under the loving strokes of a Dwarf's pants will seem no great wonder." [perpetuasi]
• "And Rose drew him in, sat him in his chair, and put little pants on his lap" [Eowyn]
  Considering how many children Sam and Rosie had, pants are the last thing Rosie would put on Sam!! [glaze]
• Eomer: "It is against our law to let strangers wander at will in our pants until the king himself shall give them leave…" [perpetuasi]
• Come not between the Nazgul and his prey! Or will he not pants thee in thy turn? [Blue Wizard]