Elrond: Strangers from distant lands, friends of old. You are summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor. Middle-Earth stands on the brink of destruction. You will unite or…

Mulder: It's all a conspiracy! Damn you all!

Elrond: Or you will…

Mulder: You pointy eared freak!

Elrond: You will…

Mulder: I want the truth!

Legolas: The truth!

Elrond: Will…

Scully: I'm sure there's a logical explanation to this whole "Sauron" business. There has to be a scientific explanation for everything, even though I'm a bible toter.

Elrond: …fall. Each race is bound to this fate, this one doom.

Indiana Jones: Whoa, I've been to this "Temple of Doom." It sucked ass.

Legolas: Have you heard nothing Lord Mulder has said? He wants the truth!

Mulder: The truth is out there!

Pippin: Can I have a pint?

Elrond: Bring forth the ring, Frodo.

Indiana: Frodo? Ha, what a dumb name.

Gandalf: You were named after a dog.

Indiana: Shut up, Nazi pothead!

Boromir: It is a gift, a gift to the foes of Mordor. Why not use this Ring? Long has my father, the Steward of Gondor…

Merry: He's not your father.

Mulder: What! What about my father? The aliens?

Gimli: Boromir, I am your father.

Obi-Wan: Shut up, smelly dwarf.

Gimli: Never trust a jedi!

Legolas: Jedi!

Boromir: Daddy? *whimpers*

Gandalf: Shut up, pansy boy.

Strider: You cannot wield it. None of us can. The ring answers to Sauron alone. It has no other master.

Boromir: I am not your slave!

Legolas: He was named after a dog!

Boromir: Is he for real?

Legolas: The arrow, the arrow is mightier than the sword!

Strider: Havo band, Legolas (Shut up, Legolas.)

Boromir: Dude, I am sooo stoned! Whew!

Gandalf: I have the munchies like a mother fu…

Elrond: We have but one choice. The ring must be destroyed.

Legolas: But I thought that was our engagement ring!

Elrond: (gives him shut up look) The ring MUST be destroyed. But it cannot be destroyed by any craft that we here possess. It was made in the fires of Mount Doom. Only there can it be unmade. It must be taken deep into Mordor, and cast back into the fiery chasm from whence it came. One of you must do this. Cause I am too damn lazy. Also, I'm hoping you'll lose Legolas along the way.

Boromir: "Whence." Hehehe. "Chasm."

Legolas: Ring!

Boromir: But one does not simply walk into Mordor. Its black gates are guarded by more than just orcs.

Mulder: It's the government!! And the aliens! I swear!

Legolas: Have you heard nothing that I have said? Just because I have pointy ears does not mean I want to anal probe you!

Gimli: And I suppose you think we're supposed to believe that?

Obi-Wan: Dude, you don't even want to know. He snuck up on me one day when I was smoking the wacky weed with Yoda, and he totally…

Gimli: I will be dead before I see the Ring in the hands of a jedi! Never trust a man who wears a dress!

Half the Council: Well, guess I'm not going.

Yoda: Freakish, are you all.