The Fellowship waits outside the door to Moria, Gandalf trying again and again to open the door.

"What's the elvish word for friend?" Asks Frodo.

"Mellon." Says Gandalf, and the door opens. "Welcome to Diagon Alley!"

The Fellowship walks through the alley, amazed at all the strange little children creatures wandering the street. Aragorn spots a display for the new Nimbus 2000 broom, and eyes it hungrily. Mmm, tasty.

"Dude, you're a freak." Merry hurries away from him and accidentally disapparates into Hogsmeade and promptly takes over Zonko's joke shop by blackmailing the owner with incriminating evidence...namely, an empty bottle of strawberry bubble bath.

"How are we going to pay for all this?" Frodo wonders aloud, after reviewing his list of things he needs to buy for school.

"Gringott's." Says Gandalf, and off they go.

"What are these creatures?" Frodo asks, looking at the strange creatures occupying the bank.

"Goblins!" Shouts Legolas, and promptly shoots one in the head.

"Dude, you're a freak." Says Pippin, warily. Legolas promptly cuts off his ear.

"Frodo Potter has come to make a withdrawal." Says Gandalf to a goblin teller. The goblin shoots Legolas in the eye, and then asks:

"And does Mr. Frodo Potter have his key?"

"Yeah, I go' it somewhere." Gandalf says, reaching inside his moleskin coat. "An' I 'ave ta git somethin' for Dumbledore. It's abou' you know what, in vault you know which."

He nods in Frodo's direction.

"Very well." Sneers the goblin.

"What's so special about the ONE RING!?" Asks Frodo. Everyone in a thirty mile radius flinches. "You never told me about this ONE RING!"

"Shut up, silly git." Says Gandalf, and pushes him away.

"Bloody hell." Says Aragorn, looking around for his wand. Suddenly, the Dark Mark appears on the ceiling. Boromir looks pleased. Aragorn cuts off his arm.

"Is not me! You is doing it!" Wails Galadriel, wiping her eyes on her tea bag. "I is a good elf!"

"Eat dirt, mudblood." Draco Malfoy kicks her in the shin. Sam laughs.

"Think my name's funny, do ya?" Snaps Malfoy. "No need to ask your's. Mead belly, and a frying pan? You must be a gardener." He moves over to Frodo. "You'll soon learn, Potter, that some wizarding families are better than others. I can help you there."

"Really?" Frodo grabs him and kisses him.

"DUDE!" Samwise takes out Malfoy in about 3 seconds. "I told you I'd kill him if he tried anything."

"Whoa, it's gettin' hot in herre!" Shouts Dumbledore, and he macs it to McGonagall.

"Go, Albus! Go, Albus!" The crowd shouts.

"Represent!" Sam throws his hands in the air, and waves 'em like he just doesn't care.

Gandalf breakdances, and Sauron and Voldemort die.