It has been learned that Peter Jackson just managed to forestall a Hollywood venture to film Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings". The proposed cast list has just come to our attention and fans might care to imagine how different the US version would have been.

The Hobbits
Frodo Baggins…………… Tom Cruise (He has the stature for it)
Sam Gamgee…………… Tom Hanks ( The Forrest Gump of MiddleEarth)
Merry Brandybuck…………… Mike Myers
Pippin Took…………… McCauley Culkin
Bilbo Baggins…………… Robert DeNiro (You lookin at me? I don't see how – I'm wearin the Ring)
Gaffer Gamgee…………… Christopher Lloyd
Rose Cotton…………… Cameron Diaz
Ted Sandyman…………… Tommy Lee Jones
Lobelia Sackville-Baggins…………… Bette Midler
Farmer Maggot…………… Slim Pickens

The Elves
Elrond Halfelven…………… Denzel Washington (Look guys, Elves are the first born people of Middle Earth;they are in exile from over the Sea and they've got the most style. Who else are you going to get to play them?)
Legolas…………… Will Smith (Floats like a butterfly, stings like a bee – again)
Galadriel……………Grace Jones
Celeborn……………Sydney Poitier
Arwen Evenstar…………… Halle Berry
Glorfindel…………… Wesley Snipes

The Wizards
Gandalf…………… Morgan Freeman (Who else?)
Saruman…………… Samuel L Jackson ( Roll that past me again, I play Saruman the what?)
Rhadaghast…………… Eddie Murphy (I get to talk to animals again?)

The Rest of the Fellowship
Aragorn…………….Sylvester Stallone (Back in the Ring again)
Boromir……………Rutger Hauer
Gimli…………….Danny DeVito (He has the stature for it)

The Mortals
Denethor…………… Christopher Walken
Theoden……………Charlton Heston
Faramir…………… Brad Pitt
Eomer…………… Nick Nolte
Eowyn…………… Uma Thurman
Grima Wormtongue…………… John Malkovitch
Gamling…………… Michael Caine (Now don't you go shooting arrows at me)
Halbarad……………Michael Douglas
Barliman Butterbur…………… John Goodman
Bill Ferny…………… Steve Buscemi

The Villains
Sauron………………Al Pacino
Lord of the Nazgul…………… Clint Eastwood
Gollum…………… Jim Carey
Mouth of Sauron…………….James Gandolfini (With a name like mine I gotta be in it)
The Monsters etc
Shelob…………… Roseanne Barr
Cave Troll…………… Marlon Brando
Ugluk…………… Charles Bronson
Gorbag…………… Gene Hackman
Shagrat…………… Harvey Keitel
Assorted orcs…………… The Rolling Stones, Alice Cooper, Ozzy Osbourne, Lou Reed, Lemmy, Quentin Tarantino
Balrog……………No, not Sissy Spacek!

Also Starring
Treebeard……………Arnie (I don't know if I could play a wooden character)
Tom Bombadill……………Robin Williams (Another role where I don't grow old?)
Goldberry……………Michelle Pfeiffer
The voice of J R R Tolkien……………James Earl Jones

Unfortunately the salary bill threatened to bankrupt eleven major financial institutions, cause a world recession and pave the way for a take-over of Hollywood by the Welsh film industry but that couldn't happen could it?