It's the Elrond Peredhil show, live from Rivendell!

The camera pans across a whooping and cheering audience. Elrond enters from a side door, holding a selection of cue cards and a large microphone. The crowd goes wild.

Elrond: Okay, thankyou very much, heh, that's nice. On today's show we're talking about a Ring Power, more specifically the One Ruling Ring and the havoc it can cause. My first guest knows only too well the terrible effects that the Ring can cause, his name's Smeagol a.k.a. Golllum, he's joined here in the studio by his captor Legolas, hi to you both, welcome to the show.

Cut to Gollum tied to a chair with Elvish rope, Beside him sits Legolas, brandishing various types of weaponry.

Legolas: Hi Elrond!

Gollum: It burns, it freeeeeezessssss...gollum, gollum!

Elrond: Legolas, you caught Gollum in Mirkwood, what's your opinion of his state of mind?

Legolas: Well Elrond, he's nothing but a filthy Ring junkie. He's an addict who's done nothing with his life and he's only got himself to blame.

The audience claps and cheers, Legolas shoots a brilliant smile at the crowd.

Elrond: So Gollum, you've had the ring for what, 3000 years? That must have had quite an effect on you.

Gollum: It's my PRECIOUSSSSSSsssssss! And that filthy Baggins, thief, thief! *BEEP* He stole it, and WE WANTS IT! *BEEP*ing Baggins!

Elrond: Okay, let's try to stay on topic and watch the language there. So you haven't entered any rehab programmes to try to counter this addiction.

Gollum hisses and starts gnawing on his ropes. The audience tut and shake their heads.

Elrond: Shame. Okay, let's meet our next guest, he's Frodo Baggins from the Shire. Welcome to the show Frodo. Tell us your story.

Gollum: Baggins? Baggins! We hates it forever! (Legolas threatens Gollum with a knife) Smeagol will be good, yesssssss, very, very good...

Frodo: Well Elrond, I inherited the Ring from my Uncle and since then nothing's gone right for me. I've been hounded out of my home, attacked by Barrow-wights, chased by Nazgul, eaten by marsh flies and stabbed by a morgul blade.

Audience looks compassionate.

Elrond: So would you say that the Ring has brought you nothing but misery?

Frodo: Darn straight! (holds out the Ring) Do you want it?

Elrond: I - WILL - NOT - TOUCH - IT!

The audience starts punching the air chanting &quod;Go Elrond, go Elrond!&quod;

Elrond: But you know folks, I think that Frodo here is showing extra-ordinary resilience to the Ring's evil and that can only be a good thing I think that's very healthy. Now Frodo, you mentioned your Uncle, that would be Bilbo Baggins yes?

Frodo: That's right, I'm very fond of him.

Elrond: Well, we have a surprise for you Frodo because Bilbo is waiting for you just next door; get out here Bilbo!

A doddery old Hobbit emerges from a side door and Frodo embraces him. The audience tearfully applaud this emotional reunion. Just then Gollum breaks free of his bonds and launches himself and Bilbo, hissing and spitting. He is stopped by two burly looking Elves in white T-shirts. The audence switches its attention to the ensuing scrap, whooping and chanting, &quod;EL-ROND, EL-ROND, EL-ROND!&quod;

Frodo: I knew you should have killed the little *BEEP* when you had the chance!

Gollum wriggles free and bounds out of the door.

Legolas: Oh no, dad's gonna kill me!

Elrond: Uh, right, erm, let's move on, I'm sure the Rangers'll catch him, if not I'm sure some men of Gondor will. Bilbo, you had something you wanted to say to Frodo. Why don't you go ahead?

Elrond squats down beside Bilbo's chair holding out his microphone, looking very comforting and paternal.

Bilbo: Frodo my lad, I uh...

Elrond: Take your time.

Bilbo: I just wanted to say that I'm sorry that you have to bear this burden and not me. (He starts to cry, he and Frodo have another Hallmark moment.)

Audeince: Awwww...

Bilbo: Don't adventures, ::sniff:: ever have an end?

Elrond: (Looking insincere) mm, mm, that's beautiful. Let's see what some members of our audience think about this.

Tom Bombaldill: Oh, Ring ding a dillo! A merry merry willow!

Elrond: Come again?

Tom: Ring! Ring dinga dillo, sings old Tom Bombadillo, Goldberry is a waiting...

Elrond looks blank.

Elrond: Erm, yeah. Let's cut to a break.

The Elrond Peredhil show, Part II.

Elrond: Welcome back! If you've just joined us we're talking about the Ruling Ring. I myself have some experience with this ring. My brother's descendent could have destroyed it only he didn't. I can tell ya right now, family get togethers were never the same since. So don't forget: Rings forged of evil wreck homes! (the audience claps vigorously) So, in this part of the show we're going to discuss some possible solutions to this problem. Frodo and Legolas are still here and they're joined by Gandalf the Grey, Strider, Boromir son of Denethor and Gimli son of Gloin.

Gandalf, Strider, Boromir and Gimli: (in unison) Hi Elrond!

Gandalf: Its quite simple in my opinion Elrond. The Ring must be destroyed, cast back into the fires of Mt. Doom.

Boromir: No, no, no, that's crap. We should use the Ring, its a fricken' gift!

Strider: You cannot wield it! None of us can, the Ring answers to Sauron alone, it has no other master. Don't be such a stupid *BEEEEEEEEEP*

Boromir: And what would a *BEEP*ing Ranger know of this matter?

They both stand up and start hurling obscenities at eachother. Then Legolas wades in:

Legolas: This is no *BEEP*ing Ranger!

Boromir shoves Legolas and then Strider and Legolas pile on Boromir. The elf bouncers come in and seperate them.

Audience: EL-ROND, EL-ROND, EL-ROND!!!

Elrond: Aww, come on now this isn't helping, sit down people, havo dad! What were you saying Legolas?

Boromir: You nearly broke my horn you little *BEEP*, blonde haired, nancy boy-

Elrond: Come now Boromir, you've had your turn let him speak.

Legolas: He is no mere Ranger; he is Aragorn, son of Arathorn.

Boromir: Isildur's heir?

Audience: OoooooooOOOOOOOOoooooohhhhhh...

Legolas: And heir to the throne of Gondor, you owe him your allegience.

Elrond: Well, what do say to that Boromir?

Boromir: Gondor has no King, Gondor needs no King.

Audience: Whoooooooo...

Gandalf: He's right you know, the Ring can't be used for good, even though it is tempting...

Legolas: *BEEP*ing right! The Ring must be destroyed!

Gimli: NEVER TRUST AN ELF!

Elrond: Let's get an opinion from a member of our audience. Yes you, the insane looking elderly man dressed in white. Yes, up the back, you.

Saruman: You cannot contend with the will of Sauron. There are none who can, we must join with him. The world of men will fall. MHWUHHAHAHA HAHAHAHA HA!!!

The panel: Assorted *beeps*, jeers and rude gestures.

Elrond: Okay, an interesting but unpopluar viewpoint.

Gimli: So the Ring must be destroyed, but who's going to do it? Not that poncey goldilocks!

Legolas: *BEEEEEEEEEP* Little *BEEEEEEP* (leaps up and starts pulling Gimli's hair)

Gimli: Not the beard!

The rest of the panel pile in followed by the bouncers, one of whom Gandalf sends flying across the studio with his staff.

Audience: (Enjoying the fight immensley) Hukka chakka, hukka hukka hukka chakka!

Elrond shuffles his cue cards nervously as another bouncer starts to spin around on one shoulder. Elrond ducks as a chair comes flying his way.

Frodo: I wil take the Ring!

Boromir: What the hell were you thinking? You can't just walk into Mordor!

Aragorn gets Boromir in a headlock while Gimli works his kidneys. The audience starts Mexican waving.

Frodo: EVERYONE SHUT UP! I'll take the *BEEP*ing Ring. *BEEP*ing hell!

Elrond: Frodo, I think I speak for everyone when I say that this task was appointed to you and if you do not find a way, no-one will.

Gandalf: (Composes himself while the studio resounds with the noise of falling bouncers) I'll help you bear this burden.

Aragorn: Yeah, me too, pledge my life and sword and all that.

Boromir: If this is the will of the chat show, Gondor'll give it a whirl.

Legolas: You have -

Gimli: - My axe! (Gimli and Legolas start elbowing and jostling eachother.)

Cut to Elrond in the audience with three hobbits.

Sam Gamgee: Elrond, I just want to say that I'm a big fan of the show and that Mr. Frodo's not going anywhere without me.

Elrond: No indeed, especially considering you got in here without tickets...

Pippin: (Grabs the mike) We're coming too!

Merry: You'll have to tie us up in a sack to stop us!

Elrond takes back the mike and jogs back down to the front of the studio. The audience chant, &quod;go Elrond, go Elrond!&quod;

Elrond: Okay then, you nine seem to have worked out your differences and come to an understanding. If the nine of you would like to come back for a follow-up, we'd be glad to have you back. I'd like to say thankyou to our guests and remind everyone that the topic of next week's show is &quod;Transexual Dwarves and the Elves who love them.&quod;

Gimli shuffles his feet awkwardly and Legolas shoots him an interested side-ways glance.

Gimli: (edging away from Legolas, mumbling) Nobody tosses a dwarf.

Elrond: (Now seated on stool on the other side of the studio) Now its time for my final thought. Y'know, when you get caught up in this business of Rings of Power and the Second Darkness, its easy to forget the important things in life; Friends, singing praises to Elbereth and most important of all, family. It doesn't matter if they've sailed West, gone to Mandos, been set in the heavens as a star or whether they live in a woodland kingdom with a magic mirror, it's family who keep us right. If you remember to always be there for your family, nothing else matters. Unless you're a man of course, in which case you're doomed to a life of ambition and mortality. HA! I'm Elrond Peredhil and that was my final thought. Be good to each other.