Sung by Legolas; to the tune of "Don't Cry for Me Argentina" from Evita, by Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber

It isn't easy to be so cool.
And I will not explain my techniques -
How I pluck and I groom and peroxide my hair.
You may be jealous -
All that you see is the swooning of crowds -
But now I've a secret to tell:
For you they'll be equally loud.

You have to keep your silence, and keep that pout.
Arwenelf and Ms. DUH will make you
Nothing less than an icon, and a rival to me.
You'll have a website,
Interviews too, what a thrill it will be.
Such fame as you'd never expect
For the character "Elf number three."

But don't cry for me Figwit baby!
The truth is, I will outlast you.
I'm in the next film
And the one after;
You'll have your moment,
But hear my laughter.

For I'll have more than your fleeting fame.
Yes, blonde hair will win in the end.
All the Hobbits will fall for my archery skills.
Though Sam may kill me,
Still I'll travel with Frodo and you'll be stuck here.
Although Elrond may fancy you still,
I will see if the Ringbearer's queer.

No don't cry for me Figwit baby!
For the truth is, I will outlast you.
I'm in the next film
And the one after;
You'll have your moment,
But hear my laughter.

(Will I lose my looks?
There's nothing worse I can think of in any day.
But since I left that Figwit guy in Rivendell
The prettiest I'll stay…)