Sung to the tune of "Hotel California" by the Eagles

On a dark mountain highway
Foul wind in my hair
Dank smell of corruption
Flowing from Shelob's Lair
Up ahead in the distance
I saw a flickering light
My heart grew heavy and my mind grew dim
I had to stop for the fright

There it stood in the valley
I saw the tower fell
And I was thinking to myself,
This sure ain't heaven but it might be hell
With Sam Gamgee beside me
Gollum showing the way
We started down that loathsome road
I thought I heard someone say

Welcome to the Hotel Minas Morgul
Such an ugly place (such an ugly place)
Such an ugly face
There's plenty of wraiths at the Hotel Minas Morgul
Any time of year (any time of year)
You can find them here

Flowers are wickedly twisted
Corpse-light evil as sin
Gollum says he knows the way on through,
And he's my friend
Sam don't know why I trust him
He sees just threat
But Gandalf said to remember
He has a part to play yet

Then I pulled out the One Ring
"Please stop my hand"
It seemed I didn't have the will to fight and my soul would be damned
And still those Nazgul were crying from far away
Stop your heart in the middle of your chest
When you hear them say

(chorus)

Nazgul and the One Ring
Heart frozen like ice
And I said, "We are all just prisoners here
Of the Dark Lord's device"
And on the topmost tower
Sat a vicious beast
If it found us with its steely eyes
We would end up as its feast

Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the pass
I had to find the passage through
Or my ass would be grass
"Relax," said old Gollum
"We are sure here to succeed
Someone's waiting for us above
And her you'll never leave"