To the tune of "One Week" by Barenaked Ladies

It's been one week since you left with me
Bailed on all of the rest and said you're coming
Five days since you climbed with me
We caught Gollum together, man he was nasty
Three days since the Emyn Muil
I realize it's all my fault I fell in that pool
Yesterday you were still with me
But it'll still be a month 'till we ditch the One Ring

Hold it now and watch the hoodwink
As I make you stop, think
You'll think you're looking at Aragorn
I use the Ring to command and now I think he understands
I've tamed old Gollum and he knows I've got the upper hand
Sad like a puppy when he begs me
To let him just see
Because he knows the Ring's value
But Gollum's got the sly wits
He's giving us fits
We try to hold him but he busts through
Gonna make a break and take a fake
I'd like to shake him till he aches
I like stewed rabbit it's the finest of the flavors
Gotta see the show 'cause then you'll know
The oliphaunt is gonna show
'Cause it's so dangerous, you'll have to sign a waiver

How can I help it if I think that Gollum's our best hope
Trying hard to restrain him with elf rope
I'm the kind of guy who looks for redemption
Can't understand what I mean?
Well, you will, Sam
I have a tendency to put the Ring on my hand
I have a history of getting myself hurt

It's been one week since you rescued me
Pulled me out of the Marsh and said you're crazy
Five days since you cooked for me
I've still got the grease stains on both my knees
It's been three days since Henneth Annun
You realized you'd said too much not a moment too soon
Yesterday, I'd forgiven you
And now I sit back and wait to find out what to do

Faramir fair man, the true blue Ranger
Says to watch out 'cause we're in big danger
Trusting a creep with no clothes on
We have to go on
I hope we'll do the job and get gone
Like Khazad Dum dwarves I'm getting frantic
Like Tom I'm tantric
Like lembas guaranteed to satisfy
Like Celebrimbor I made cool rings
Okay I don't make rings
But if I did they'd teach me how to fly
Gonna find someone who knows the way
Gonna find the kind that won't betray just so my
Nerves aren't always jangling like a harp string
Gotta get in tune with Gandalf soon
In Khazad Dum he met his doom with a Balrog
That may or may not have wings

How can I help it if I think that Smeagol's our best hope
Trying hard to restrain him with elf rope
I'm the kind of guy who looks for redemption
Can't understand what I mean?
Well, you will, Sam
I have a tendency to put the Ring on my hand
I have a history of ending up hurt

It's been one week since he quit his job
Dropped us off in the Lair, say hi to Shelob
Five days since your big rescue
You said he just did just what I thought he was gonna do
Three days since the tower room
We realize we might be killed, but what can we do?
Yesterday you just cried with me
'Cause it'll still be two weeks till we ditch the One Ring
It'll still be two weeks till we ditch the One Ring
It'll still be two weeks till we ditch the One Ring